i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
