I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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