so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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