I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
