Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
