Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
