yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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