Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You dont lie about slip and slides
my poor anus
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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