my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Randomize
