I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
