youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
