You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
