drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
