you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
