i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
