omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
