someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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