Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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