Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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