how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
