3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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