I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
