Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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