the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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