my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
