i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
