Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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