apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
