my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
