Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
