Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
