I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
