I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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