Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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