i jhust puked up my retainher.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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