When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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