i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
