you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
