i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
