We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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