I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
