If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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