Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
