A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
