i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You are a genius and a whore.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
