You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
