I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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