I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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