I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
