I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize