in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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