Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
