stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
