Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
