so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
